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You know when you were a teenager and every time you turned around your wardrobe didn’t fit because you were suddenly three inches taller or twenty pounds heavier or now you had hips?

That’s what I currently feel like.

My body has taken quite the beating over the last year and a chunk and I feel like what fits, looks good and feels okay – thanks scar lines that sometimes rub things weird – is in constant flux. Add to my changing shape the fact that I don’t think I have had a distinct style in the last 14 years because of pregnancies, nursing and stay at home mom craziness and you’ll find the mess that is my wardrobe.

Since my surgery, I’ve cleaned out my closet and drawers at least three solid times and each time I take more and more out. This may not sound like a huge deal but it really has been a big struggle. I’m not one to need a lot of clothes so the number of clothes coming out isn’t the struggle. The struggle is in the emotion of yet another change. Yet another thing that isn’t like it was. The struggle is in trying on so many things and not feeling good in most of them.

Walking into summer all this emotion has become much more pronounced. Finding a new swimsuit that will work meant hours of research and then came the part I like the least – the shopping itself. Finding shirts that are not low cut or tight is a chore. Realizing that for the first season since my radiation finished and I could theoretically wear whatever I want, I won’t be wrapped up in cardigans, sweaters and jackets has been a bit much.

If there was ever a time when I wish that I lived in a movie, I think this is it. It would be amazing to just holler for wardrobe and know that it was taken care of. But alas, that is not reality and I will muddle through. So if you see me in the same outfit once a week every week this summer, just smile and me and know that I’m trying.