Every morning my brain replays the old Almond Joy & Mounds commercial that said something along the lines of “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t!” Then, it replaces the the word nut with hair or hat. For a long time, I wouldn’t even consider not wearing anything on my head – it just didn’t feel right. However the longer I go without much hair, the less that seems to be the case.
Some days I truly wake up and just feel like having long hair. It’s not about being “normal” or even about knowing I’m going to be leaving the house where others may see me. Rather, it is the look I’m wanting for the day. It’s similar to you walking to your closet and saying, “I’m going to wear my favorite green shirt today.” Some times, you wear it because it is comfortable or because it makes you feel pretty or confident. Other times, you choose that shirt because it is your favorite and by George that’s the one you want.
On days that I want hair, I wear hair. Today is one such day. I have no intention of going much of anywhere today. It is a rainy day and we have nothing we need to go out to do, but I knew when I put on my t-shirt, hoodie and jeans that I wanted hair. Did you hear that? I’m not even dressed nicely. I just wanted it and that’s okay.
There are plenty of days when I toss a hat on my head and go about my day. The neighbors and neighborhood kids have all gotten used to seeing me in just a hat. It also isn’t terribly unusual for me to run a quick errand that way. At the beginning of this journey, I was surprised to find how little it mattered to me when we cut my hair and then again when it started to fall out it didn’t bother me near like I expected it to. I would have never guessed that I would be willing to go out with a hat and nothing more.
Recently around the house I have even been going without my hat. The warmer weather makes hats less practical and with my small head, options are far more limited. Originally, I was wearing a hat to help the boys transition but we’re well past that so going around with my fuzzy head has become an occasional thing. Going out like that is a whole other thing – that is until last Saturday.
Last Saturday was a soccer Saturday just like nearly every other Saturday in the spring for us. The weather looked like it was going to be near perfect – overcast, 70* – and it was those things but it was also oppressively humid. I have yet to wear my hair to soccer because it seems a bit like overkill while I’m running on the field with a bunch of five year-olds and also because I can’t imagine how my wig would feel sweaty. All my team and their parents know is me in a hat – my running hat covered in tacos, a beany or my red scarf cap. This week I started in my red scarf since it is the coolest option I have – thank you tiny head – but about half way through practice I knew I couldn’t leave it on. I was going to overheat. Between drills I ran over to the sideline and tossed the scarf in our soccer bag. I was nervous but nervous was way better than passing out. When I joined the team back on the field, one of the kids innocently asked what happened to my hair and I responded quickly with “I’m on a medicine that makes it fall out. Isn’t that a silly thing for a medicine to do?” They giggled and one piped up to share that his dad is also bald. Practice carried on like nothing had happened. It was wonderful. After the game, I thanked the parents for raising kind children and filled them in on what had been said.
Not everyone is nearly as accepting as the kids on my soccer team. I know there were comments on the sidelines. I know that in other situations people who have seen me in a hat are uncomfortable by the stares, whispers and occasional comments. If you come to our house, you may find me in any of the stages of head covering on any given day. And quite honestly, that is possibly the case for outside our house as well. So here is your warning. Sometimes I feel like hair. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I feel like a hat. Sometimes I don’t. All the time my choice is okay. It is no different than your favorite green shirt.
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